Nicki Minaj’s ‘ I Lied’ a sabotaged relationship
Chicago, IL: Many of us lie to ourselves about loving another to protect our hearts. After many losses and heartbreaks, opening up and telling someone how you feel is harder. When the PinkPrint album was released in 2014, I was around 12 years old. As a middle schooler, I didn't know much about being in a relationship. As I grew older I started to realize how much I lie to myself about my feelings to protect myself in love. However, we all are different, I wasn’t into romantic relationships that young. I didn’t have my first ‘romantic’ heartbreak until my senior year in college. Usually, I’ll listen to this specific song as if it were any other song on my playlist. After departing far from my college ‘fling’, I realized how closed off I was with him. During a late night, the lyrics were more clear than before.
Nicki Minaj opens the song immediately pleading “ I Lied, I Lied, I Lied”, three times. When I listen to music, it’s like the words are being played into action, I can see it. When the song starts, I see Nicki pleading with her partner not to leave her behind because she lied about not loving him. As I went through the phases of letting go, I wanted to plead and express how I felt. “Even though I said I didn’t love you, I lied, To keep you from breaking my heart”, I am overprotective of my feelings and don’t know how to admit my feelings to others. I keep to myself at most and lie to myself often about the truth, sometimes my feelings are too logical.
“ I can’t fall for you, can’t give all to you, can’t let you think that I’m a let the game stall for you”, I interpret this line as a continuation of playing a game when you’re the only player. If this person is trying to be with you, but you’re so caught up in past hurt, you can’t see if they’re serious. It’s more of I’ll hurt you before you hurt me.
She goes on to say “ Gotta protect me, you gotta sweat” then “What happens if I fall in love you cut me loose”, as I mentioned she is expressing her fear of openness. Expressing the fear of being unlovable and how her person will get tired of her and leave. Maybe it’s an abandonment wound. A lot of us have it due to events in our lives when we let people get close and they take advantage. If you aren’t making it clear that I’m the one you want, I’ll slowly disappear. I have this problem where if things aren’t clear, I slowly start to detach. As soon as I feel I’m getting too used to your present, I’ll become distant.
“ You just a heartbreaker, won’t let you break mine, cause I’ll be smashing windows and cutting the brake line,” She says. In my situation, I felt this line in my heart, because I do not play when it comes to my feelings. Especially if I knew it was coming and just didn’t want to see it. The ‘smashing windows and brake lines’ line, makes me think of someone that has uncontrollable anger or does not know how to handle their emotions. As someone who is emotionally closed off and grew up having a hard time communicating, or grew up in a household where your feelings were denied. I grew up with an angry father who communicated by arguing and fighting, that could be how Nicki Minaj, herself, grew up too. When it hurts so bad the first thing you want the person who hurt you to feel is the hurt they cause you. Sometimes the only response people know is abuse, but it's what they're used to.
“ Cause who knew that if I just let myself go with you”, simply not wanting to lose yourself in someone and that someone breaks your heart. “ Who knows” You’re right, who knows the path you’ll potentially go on with a person. Some of us are scared of falling, but sometimes you have to fall and scrape your knee because the skin will eventually replace itself. However, sometimes the scars become permanent if you keep picking at them and don’t let them heal properly. Heal properly before you lose someone who wants to love all of you.
“ To keep you from breaking my heart” is one of the main chorus lines, which summarizes the whole song. I lied about loving you to keep you from breaking my heart.
“ I thought eventually you would let me go, that was my insecurities and my ego”, a clear indication of self-sabotaging. It gets in the way often, not just with relationships, but with growth in general. Your mind can create any false reality if you let it. Our minds start to make us question our potential and fake scenarios, causing anxiety. What if I try and it goes wrong? As for the ego, pride also keeps us away from things we love because we don’t want to be embarrassed. For example, imagine knowing this person is a heartbreaker, a known cheater, or a player, and you fall for him, because who knows if it’s genuine this time or they’re running you the same lines. You just don't want to be embarrassed and live with a bruised ego because you gave in.
“ It was good while it lasted”. In my life, it was an experience and I'll continue to cherish it, however, I was always confused by my feelings. At random times of the day or night, images of us together flood through my memories, and I smile. My smile starts to fade as the memories go on and remember the confusion and haunting thoughts. Half of the time, I wanted to love, and the other I wanted to run away. It was good while it lasted because it was an experience within itself. Sometimes you need that lesson.
“ Falling so fast I am afraid of you, so I lied”, I believe the what-ifs keep us in this mindset. What if it goes wrong or more so, what if it goes right? Most of the time I’m scared of it going right because that means I’ll have to be vulnerable and open up. I might have to change and I'm scared of change.
This is such an important song to me because I can fully appreciate it. It signifies a woman who is scared to get their heart broken, I am or I was that woman before. After many heartbreaks, it’s harder to let someone in without thinking they’re going to hurt you or you hurt them. We have heard the saying ‘ Hurt people, hurt people’. Listening to this song after experiencing it at the age of 22 versus being in middle school, it’s a different understanding. Taking the time to understand how she is conveying her thoughts on being toxic herself and scared of love.
I think this song is a real eye-opener for those who sabotage love because they're scared to fully give themselves. Don't miss out on something good because of what someone in the past did to you.
